The current belief systems that run the world have been largely designed BY men, FOR men. Women’s duties are clearly defined and are usually if not always more stringent than men’s. The well being, rights and benefits for women are added as post script and usually in a way that’s not enough, certainly not equal.
This is why I dare say women, whatever faith or religion they are born into shouldn’t subscribe to any faith as an evangelist, supporter or promoter of it for the benefit of their own gender and for the future of upcoming generations of women.
The world runs in such a way that there are religions and cultures that dominate by majority or are expansionists with a soft or a hard/aggressive strategy. When they are expanding, they put women on pedestal to recruit them while downplaying the subjugation they bring upon women when they become powerful.
The educated, privileged, in-comfort women then become promoters/critics or active participants of the religious systems. We see women playing social media warriors for and against various faiths all the time – however what is common amongst almost all of them is how oblivious they are to the challenges of women who live subjugated because of lack of access to resources or agency to their own life.
The keyboard warriors, the intellectual thought leaders of women who are being polarised to take sides with one faith too the other haven’t seen the pain of a woman who does not have a way out of domestic violence, polygamy, financial depravity, malnourished children, unaddressed health issues and unpaid labour etc. amongst many other challenges that billions of women get subjected to on the daily basis around the world.
Women need to act like ‘voters in a democracy’ if you will. Negotiating their rights, well being and resources while being asked to take sides and asking for unjust practices to be abolished. Our collective bargaining power is immense and hence the social systems are designed to keep us away from diverse community set ups. We have a great opportunity to use social media to put our collective voices to better use than be the sheep the patriarchal world wants us to be. To collectively ask for a better life, health, opportunities and standing than what we get.
Unless a faith or religion has women at the heart of its design and doesn’t treat them as an afterthought, it is not in benefit of women to become its warriors, evangelists or even subscribers of it.
Whether you agree or disagree with me, do share your thoughts in comments below.
There was a manual. No, really. Maybe not ONE printed and published manual available for sale on Amazon, and in bookshops. But a loose verbal manual of what an ‘educated, empowered, privileged, money-earning’ woman is supposed to do and be. The archetype of a good daughter, sister, wife, mother, woman, in law, friend, employee, employer, manager, citizen, mentor, founder, homemaker etc etc.
No one spoke about how life for the superwoman is a balancing game. That she would feel the guilt of not performing in one area more than the joy of superachieveing in other areas of life. That burnout is bound to happen when the candle burns at both ends. When in trying to ‘BE’ all that she must be, there will be a moment when she’d be emptionally numb, confused about what she ‘needs’.
The midlife burnout, hormone shuffles, shifting perspectives and the spectrum that goes from regret and resentment to gratitude and achievement and how the self oscillates on it like it is a damn Rollercoaster is R.E.A.L.!
This post does not have answers or solutions to the numbness that middle age brings to the overworked women in the race of perfection. This is a call out to those who’ve been through it, are experiencing it right now or are inching to it. To tell you, that you are not hallucinating, not going crazy, that your problems aren’t imagined.
The disillusionment, the disconnect, the soul searching that you are experiencing right now – you are not alone in this. There is a generation of super achiever millennial women who feel slightly exhausted with everything around them and question how far they need to run. Worry whether they will be out of breath before they reach that imaginary finish line. And as the quiet realisation happens – there isn’t a finish line! Noone to hand water or towel at the end of this marathon and so in fear of finding ourselves alone when we pause, we keep running.
Maybe it’s time to slow down girls, pause even, for a while. Practice some self care at the cost of what seems non negotiable. Nothing is in reality. If this post makes even slight sense to you, you need to prioritise yourself over literally anything on the daily for a while. Guess what? it’s time.
Dr Srishti is a noted Dentist and Human who has contributed before as well. Here is her latest – worth a read!
It is difficult to put words these days without an AI guide telling you ‘did you mean—? Other words for this are —, I can help you write it in 10 words’. Even while writing this sentence I had the urge to search for better words so that I would sound really smart to people who would read this piece. This makes me wonder if anyone’s words are their own now? Or its just AI using its brain and we using our hands like a puppet to type those words that came in a robot’s ‘mind’ while we get the false satisfaction of giving ‘prompts’. I have recently started teaching undergraduates of my field and I feel like an alien to the new language or ‘lingo’ as they call it. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against AI (I know it must be reading this right now, Jahapana tusi great ho), it is just how humans communicate with each other now. They sound really smart when it is on a digital page but when you observe their actual ‘sound’ while communicating with each other, their blank faces searching for words from an invisible screen in front of them and getting no response to their prompts, it feels like the end of an era for literature. The following example of a verbal conversation might sound familiar to teachers facing the same issue as me-
Question- ‘Dear student, can you explain what is ‘so and so’ and how does it work?
Answer- ‘Mam, I don’t know what it is exactly ‘like’ but ‘you know’ it’s more like a thing made of something like a ‘so’… Ummm… I don’t know Mam maybe it is like a ‘so’ but pakka pata nahi Mam. What was the other part of question Mam?’ (Attention span already over in the first part of the question) PERIOD
Frustrating right? Or sorry, ‘like un-liking the answer’
I have been trying to decode their language from quite some time. At first I thought maybe it is a lack of confidence in verbal communication so helping them develop better verbal skills might work, right? Wrong. Learning about their schooling background made me realize that they all were on top of their communication skills in their school days. They were all participants and some winners of their debate competitions. So what and when did it all ‘go South’ (a phrase that will go obsolete in a few years)
The one that I could understand was the fear of being judged. The resilience that previous generation had is missing from the present ones. They were ready to make mistakes and then learn from them. But the current generation fears mistakes because even their slightest mistakes have the capacity of turning into public humiliation due to social media. Did you use wrong tense in your sentence? – Here is your video or screenshot of your text on all social platforms without your consent with a side dish of bullying comments by Grammar Nazis, more comments on those comments, more re-shares, LOL and what not. And now there is a constant reminder of this poor fellow’s silly mistake. Imagine the impact on the psyche of this young individual. When we were young and we made mistakes while speaking, ‘a’ person will point them out to us, we will apologize, correct them and move on. Imagine the entire world laughing on you for that! So now, these intelligent creatures have adapted and stopped verbal communication, they prefer texts so that they can edit and correct them without the humiliation of spoken words.
Another one is the fear of offending others. This is similar to fear of judgement, but more local. If my student is answering questions but he/she forgot to address me as ‘Mam’ or a ‘superior’ (Not saying it is right, it is just how I was raised), I will get offended. The old chain of thought inside the student’s mind was- ‘Ok noted, I will be careful next time to not repeat it and addresses her the way she finds suitable. Let’s apologize, focus on the main point here.’ The present chain of thought – ‘OMG what did I do? Oh no, now she hates me, she might scold me, what if she tells others I am a bad student, I don’t know what to do to not offend her, she gets offended for no reason at all, I am being shamed, here comes the tears, ok, lets stop speaking at all, who knows what might offend her, let’s stay mum.’
I am yet to find solutions for these issues, I am at the bottom of the learning curve here. I would love the opinion of others on this. There might be grammatical errors in what I wrote above, but my brain is happy to have written it without the complete supervision of the higher intelligence, I hope I didn’t offend the almighty AI (pun intended), all hail AI!
Dr Garima Nath is Ph D in international politics from JNU, India. She is an internationally awarded painter (instagram handle – @trillion_colours) and currently works as a Project Leader with Multiverse Consulting. Garima lost both her legs and her brother in a horrific accident at the age of 15 but that and the multiple gruelling surgeries and new life that followed didn’t stop her from her being a badass! She went on to reach UPSC finals, travelled internationally and lived and thrived alone in the city of Delhi while doing that. She loves books and currently lives in Dallas, USA with her husband. Here is her short excerpt from her recent hike which I couldnt resist sharing:
Hiking for me has always been in the list of things I will never be able to do. But today I mustered all my courage, slathered 2 layers of sunscreen, put on my shades and shoes and set out on my very first hike- friend’s trail. Although it is only 1.5 miles loop, takes about 40 mins and is considered moderately difficult. It took me about 1 hour 20 mins and NGL felt much more than 1.5 miles 😅 Not knowing what to expect I slowly made my way up the trail mindful of every pebble in my path. With every step came a boost of confidence and triumph and before I knew it the sound of wind in the trees gave way to the sound of the river water. I was proud to have completed the entire trail. Yay! Now back at the place we are staying at and chilling in the hot tub I can’t help but wonder why had I always considered hiking impossible? I agree it was tough for me and my legs are sore but it wasn’t impossible. Going forward I strongly feel the need to break all the self imposed limitations that I have piled up over the years. You might have your own self imposed limitations but my question to you is ‘are they real limitations?’
Not too long ago, there was an unusual post on my mostly professional LinkedIn feed. It was a man’s video about his 17-year-old daughter who was suicidal because someone had circulated inappropriate pictures and videos of her on social media platforms. He had made the video as an open ask to anyone who worked in the social media companies to help him take down the racy pictures and videos and kept asserting that the videos and pictures were fake. Some good Samaritan took notice and within few days the posts were taken down, he mentioned in a new video. I hope life went back to normal eventually, I do suspect that those effected, especially the girl will carry trauma and scars to show for a while though. Why did he have to plead the ‘innocence’ of the girl though, it made me wonder? As a society why is it important for us that a girl (or boy) is not seen publicly in a certain way in order to have permission to live respectfully? Even if their personal or intimate side is being shared without their consent? What are these stupid rules that we have invented on the way of becoming an evolved society?
There is an increase in deepfakes; the necessary evil accompanies the new age tech defined by artificial intelligence and its growing impact. We’ve seen a lot of movie stars, women and celebrities vehemently justifying on news over past few months that a certain video or photo of them is fake. What made it important for them to invest their energies in so fervently denying that it in fact wasn’t them in the said clip, than focusing on their work and life? What does that say about us a society? The recent announcement of Sora which can make videos on commands and the samples they have shared are a great example of how AI can be misused by those evil.
I remember back in 90s small town India, one would see vulgar sketches of women in offices and girls in schools specially in public areas like washrooms along with rude comments. I vaguely remember a scandal from my small town where the scorned boyfriend of a respectable girl circulated her naked pictures and she hanged herself. Porn has brought its own pandora’s box with it to denigrate women. How many of you, especially women, have secretly not wondered that a clip of yours trying clothes in a changing room or bathing in a hotel or any other discreet activity maybe available on some random porn site that you aren’t even aware of? How many of you feel scared that once something like that is found, even if you haven’t done anything wrong, your life and family will get impacted in a major way and your social life will be destroyed? Wondered if you’d feel like ending your life if something like this happens?
Technology, modes and levels of threats have become more twisted but the basic nature of toxic side of patriarchy where the last resort to fight back a strong and powerful feminine force is to shame, denigrate and defile her remains constant. Parents of girl kids of all ages even today worry about dangers looming around them; how delicate the girl’s ‘honor’ is and how her standing changes with one tiny leak of an intimate moment, an indiscretion. God forbid, if a respectable woman is seen by others naked or kissing or in the act of copulation – her whole character is assassinated for life. How on the contrary, senior Male politicians of current opposing national party were found in intimate acts in videos that went viral and those gentlemen are still relevant, worshipped, rich and powerful – very much the political figures in parliament. How a certain president of a powerful country was found exploiting an intern still smiles shamelessly remaining a man of power while the woman is to date judged for being the culprit. It is because this difference in how we judge women so much more than men, that the father of the teenage girl was left overtly justifying that the videos are deepfakes. In a better world, it wouldn’t have mattered for the girl that her unintended videos were uploaded, and the perpetrator would have been identified and punished along with those who participated in the circulation. With AI now this issue will become even bigger. Any scorned guy or girl who is pissed at another can create a vulgar deepfake and make it viral. What is the solution then? Keep trying to prove that a video or photo is genuine or not? Lock women int homes? Ask women to be super cautious and on guard?
Here is another way to look at it. What if we as a society stopped judging women on any explicit photos or videos or any other artefacts of them? That our opinion of them didn’t change a bit based on that information? Picture this – you see a colleague, friends, family member or acquaintance in a link that shows them in a sexual way meant to harm their reputation and it didn’t matter to you. You didn’t want to know whether the video or audio or photo is real or fake. It’s the one circulating it who’s punished, than the woman herself. She can still be your daughter in law, wife, boss, colleague, sister, sister-in-law or whatever it is that defines your relationship with her. Let us take the power away from the very act of baring a woman’s body, associating her honor with her sexual conduct – real or perceived. What if like men, we associated women’s honor with what kinds of humans they are? How they contribute to the society in the working or homemaker roles they are in? What their talents and hobbies are? With the way deepfakes amongst other AI features loom large – it is common sense, humanity, courage and a shift in perspective for good that will make us a better society. We don’t need to be spending our time identifying real from fake for this issue- we need to be changing our thinking on what defines goodness or badness; someone’s acceptance and respect, dignity and honor.
What if we killed the mal intention itself than judging someone who is a victim of having their privacy breached and misused?
There is a short movie called ‘sleeping partner’ that features Divya Dutta in an OTT short story series called ZindagiinShorts. Do watch it for how she coolly and powerfully responds to a scorned lover threatening to make their intimate videos viral. It’s like watching the Goddess at her work! THAT is the fearlessness we need to enable in our girls. We need to ensure the environment in our houses makes them fearless, powerful, and not anxious about someone trying to show them as immodest. Modesty is not something to be proven. It also isn’t without power. We need Madonnas and Devis in our daughters, mothers, sisters and women who cannot be broken by stone pelting evil minds so easily. They need to accepted in various divine feminine forms that celebrate thier femininity rather than shaming it.
As I write this blog, an AI icon hovers on my screen asking me to help write as if I the obsessive thinker and possessive writer will let AI write for me(!); AI is everywhere! Compassion and empathy and goodness in our toolkit is what will help us survive the madness. If the feminine is denigrated, we will dive the depths of darkness very soon as a society. Let’s kill the need to verify if an artefact meant to put a woman in corner is real or deepfake. let’s measure people on their humanness than trivialize them on a scale of sexual morality which by the way keeps changing every 100 years in human history.
Our girls need to be able to breathe. They need to be able to be validated for their talents than their looks. They need to feel empowered without worrying about what is available online about them to ogle. Let’s kill the power, enigma, titillation and scandal around explicit imagery used without the consent of a person and orient our kids towards what makes them better human beings, one step at a time. And this change begins from our own homes. What do you think? Can you do that?
People who know me well, know I am passionate about promoting knowledge and awareness of the rich handloom heritage of India. People who know me for long know that I have not been interested in clothes or textiles beyond looking at them as necessity for the larger part of my life – handloom love is a new found love. My better half on the other hand, is a bit of an authority on sartorial elegance. He has an eye for fabrics, a sharp eye for requisite distance between buttons of a shirt and even finer nuances. So I have dragged myself along with him on his quests to find the perfect garment or accessory for him, me and our loved ones for years now.
Dressing elegantly, modestly and simply has been my style mantra. Sarees have always held a special place in my heart and wardrobe. Chikankari of lucknow thus has been a constant in the wardrobe and so have the sarees from Nalli, Fabindia, Mrignayani or even the much more easy on pocket florals from GardenVarelli mills.
On one of the customary trips few years back to a craft fair, as I was shopping for my only brother’s upcoming wedding and looking for a special saree. Or Two. 😉
Rishi has the art of making conversation with everyone and as we got talking to the Banarasi weaver who had come to the fair, it was hours for which we kept sitting at the shop listening to the nuances of kaduwa and fekua styles of weaving and the beauty and uniqueness of Janglas and Shikargahs and Tilfis and Tanchois.. it was just awe inspiring that one city of India has numerous styles of weaving and patterns and all I knew was that a shining silk saree is called a Banarasi saree. I couldn’t even differentiate between a Kanjivaram and Banrasi back then if someone had asked me to. I didn’t know that the same saree that is woven on a loom in hours, days, weeks, months and sometimes years is cheaply imitated in a mill where thousands of imitations can be belted out in a matter of minutes. Anyway, we bought few beautiful handloom sarees and came back.
I kept looking at my saree shopping from Nalli and the Banarasi weaver from the craft fair that day and replaying the conversation in my head repeatedly. I could explain to a cousin that day the difference between the kanjivaram and Banarasi saree that I got that day. Fascinated by the special garment and the story behind it, my research oriented self went on internet to search for handloom fabrics and sarees and how they are made. Little did I know that it was a rabbit hole, so deep that I will be immersed in it for years. With hundreds of weaves, thousands of craft kinds Indian textile history is rich and changes to bring a new variation every ten miles, figuratively speaking, just like the dialects of India.
The meticulous and eco friendly processes used to weave, embroider, paint, stitch the sarees are fascinating to say the least. I found out about the muslins made in India that were so thin that you could fold a six yard saree and keep it in a matchbox. The thin as air garments that were sold for their weight in gold and played a huge part in India’s rich past of prosperity. Equally horrid are the tales of deliberate destruction of the same crafts with the advent of Industrial revolution, the mills of Europe and promotion of power mill made cloth in India.
There are some blessed souls who have dedicated their lives for the revival of these handicrafts and for promoting the saree. I am merely a student of the subject right now who is trying to understand about Handlooms and Handspun fabric and trying to buy more eco friendly clothing consciously, when I need to.
I truly feel it is a shame for us to not know about our rich textile history and it should be taught in school curriculum not just in fashion but from a point of view of economics, politics, art and science as well.
India ran with 20% GDP of the entire world 3-4 centuries back, a big credit of which goes to it’s textile prowess which was sytemically killed by colonisers to make us poor, needy, supliers of raw material for it to churn finished good in new found mills durin industrial revolution of the west and sold back to us while our ancestors died of famines and poverty.
The handloom produced cloth not only has a rich heritage with hundreds of art forms of weaving, embroidery and such but also is eco friendly with virtually zero negative impact on environment while fast fashion remains to be the second biggest pollutant of earth.
Slow fashion needs to be brought back in trend and made cool again. The breathable natural fabrics need to replace hoardes of cheap rayon that stuff Indian wardrobes and do nothing for the appearance of individual or the environment. I’d certainly recommend one and all to learn more about the handloom heritage of our world and invest in handloom clothing in their own small way. You’ll not only be promoting true artisans, autonomy and small businesses, but will also be contributing to creating a greener planet while ensuring you look classy!
I have lived most of my late 20’s being slightly overweight and almost all of my 30’s being obese. In the past two years I have shed almost 40 kgs of extra weight which is more than 40% of body weight I have carried for a long time. Most of my weight loss happened in 2021 through a structured regime and with an expert weight loss coach. No gymming or heavy exercises were involved in this regimented weight loss program, neither were my calories restricted. Someday, I will surely share what my program was like but today I broadly want to tell you that in the crux of it, it was all about changing my relationship with food.
For the longest time I had been living to eat, and not eating to live. It’s a funny saying that “foodies” love to say and I used to do the same. But today I want to open up about the toxic relationship I shared with food that continued for a long time.
At a difficult time, many years ago, I lost a lot of relationships instantly in life that I’d known as a child – my whole maternal and paternal family barring less than a handful of people, left my life. Uncles, aunts, cousins, all but few abandoned me. Dad wasn’t around anyway since he had passed on many years back. The relationships that I was left to count on were barely few weeks old. Work was stressful as I was growing faster in my career than my young age could handle, the expectations from a 25 year old me at a new home as an elder daughter in law were those that are from a 45 year old. Not many had seen my struggles so they didn’t care what my past or my trauma has been like or feels like, for no fault of theirs as their frame of reference couldn’t fathom what I had been through or the cushion I needed. My physical appearance had always been peculiar due to a skin condition and my metabolism was screwed. Back then, I didn’t give myself the option to say to anyone that I am not ok, that I am struggling. As a child I was taught that asking for help means you are weak! I had nowhere to hide, no one to reach for comfort and pampering. I had no friends who would be there for me, just kind acquaintances who helped if and when I asked them to.
I have always been a survivor. I instinctively turn to what will help me stay afloat and good tasting food for one reason or other was easily accessible and affordable in those days. This had come as a blessing after years of not getting tasty food either due to medical treatments or lack of money. After hours of smiling, being at my best behaviour, with no one to talk to about my real feelings, not even a proper ‘my’ home to go back to at the end of the day, or ‘parents house’ to go back to, I turned to food. I could ‘talk’ to good food. I could eat as much as I wanted and the food wouldn’t judge me or stare back at me for over eating it. I could eat whenever I wanted, as many times as I wanted.
Because my coping strategies were next to nil, I couldn’t be an alcoholic or a drug addict, and because my own consumption of food was the only thing in my life that I could control, I embraced food as the only thing I could hold on to. It kept me sane. I’d counterbalance meetings with tough stakeholders or toxic colleagues with a loaded cold coffee with chocolate. I’d soothe myself for the lack of friends or family with mutton biryani. I’d end a rough day at home with six chapatis and rice along with three bowls of rice and sabzi. I’d counter lack of sleep at night by reaching the fridge post midnight to gorge on gulabjamuns or half a can of condensed milk.
I am not berating my past self for doing that as survival is tricky business. Food and consuming it this was has genuinely kept me sane, away from mental breakdowns I just couldn’t afford and dare I say, kept me alive, away from dark thoughts of ending my life many a times.
Food thus became something my soul needed. My emotions became associated with it and that’s how I gave access of my feelings and sanity to food. A good portion of my favourite food could take away the worst of experiences and help me understand and think how to cope with what’s ahead. It could soothe my bruised heart or mind and prepare me for the next days’ grind. I didn’t care if someone told me I am hogging onto it because they didn’t see the reason for my ‘emotional eating’ . So I’d smile, listen to their concern and ridicule it in my mind.
The few years of doing that stunted my metabolism and started putting pressure on my vital organs. Fatty liver, high cholesterol and high sugar levels became normal and by the time I wanted to lose weight, my body became resistant. It got ‘addicted’ to sugar, wanting frequent meals, large portions and sugar rich foods. I’d get ‘hangry’ and despite heavy workouts and killing myself in gyms or on jogs in hot North Indian weather the scale wouldn’t budge. The heavy workouts would make me more tired and hungry and I’d lose it and gorge back into big meals in frustration eventually giving up on diets. I was looking at weight loss as a punishment and deprivation of food and being away from food was making me sad, upset and dejected. As if, someone is taking away the only good thing in my life. The only thing I can control, the only thing that doesnt judge me.
When I met my coach and started my fitness journey last year, the first thing that changed was my relationship with food. The self coaching that I gave to myself to stop looking at food as a channel, outlet or means of solving for emotions was perhaps one of the most important things to happen in years to me. As I educated myself more and more on how excess food is poison and the damage sugar in many forms does to the body, the importance of consuming only what is needed kept becoming clearer.
Today I look at food as medicine and I have no shame in admitting that. I understand what good taste is and indulge in it once in a while, but with a clear knowledge that it is all but an indulgence. The taste of most of the food gets perceived as good because of the sugar content in it (fructose, lactose, maltose etc) and the more food is consumed for taste than need, it ends up harming the body than doing it much good.
Today I understand food must be eaten to survive, thrive and to have energy to think clearly, physically work and have a healthy body. Not eating food or fasting is as important as eating if not more and restraint has a role to play as well in keeping the body healthy.
The reason I opened up about my long toxic relationship with food is to make aware that addiction comes in many forms. Too much of anything is addiction, not just alcohol or drugs or smoking. Too much food, music, phone, whatever be that you link to your brains reward system can become an addiction.
Food is not the solution. Food is barely food. It has a place in life to help get us energy that we need for survival. If you had an addiction to food or cant live without certain food groups, or stress eat or do emotional eating, talk to a coach or a friend who can help you talk through this, solve for this.
There’s a world of health benefits on the other side of food addiction. You can enjoy your occasional meal, and yet live a healthy and fit life physically and emotionally. Just give yourself a chance.
It’s Saturday night, half past eleven. I am wrapping up the day finally in some moments of solitude as I shut the locks, lights, fill up water, clean the pantry et al. My mind and I are in a subconscious performance discussion. As I scan and clean my son’s room I am thinking of how we haven’t spent quality time whole week, what with long workdays, and even on Saturday I was out completing chores. He deserves more of my time and attention with studies and play than what I have given him this week. Specially, since he is been doing online school for 15 months now.. I shut his room, make a mental note for next week in the parent’s tab of my brain, I reach my office to scan some weekend emails and shut the laptop. I am now thinking about how I said no to a couple of meeting requests from colleagues in UK/US who wanted to speak at 7/9 PM my time during a couple of weekdays as I was in the kitchen and how I could have done more work, paid more attention, finished two more meetings this week. I could have been a more productive employee if I gave more time to work. I listen to my own chastising and slightly irritated now, shut the office and see my husband repairing something in one room and my mom watching her favorite TV show in another. I am filled with guilt thinking I need to do more to help my husband around the house and spent more time with ma – she is lonely away from her town, almost homebound at my house for covid safety reasons. She is getting older and she needs my company to counter loneliness. I also think by the way of two relatives, five friends and few acquaintances who I have been wanting to call for days now but haven’t been able to. The kitchen looks like it needs additional attention, it makes me feel like a lousy woman. Overwhelmed now by my own bashing, anxious and troubled, I rush up to sleep, remove my fitness tracker to put it on charge and chide myself with another glare about the walk and exercise I have missed for three days this week because of how hot it has been and also how my grey hair need a recolour that’s been overdue.
Suddenly an epiphany (sort of) strikes, my mind is numb and I sit down on my bed a little shocked. For the past 30 minutes after a long day of chores, I have given a mental assessment to myself about how I have not done enough as a mom, daughter, wife, employee, homemaker and a person. This is my self talk. Am I telling myself I didn’t do enough because I secretly feel I am not enough? And this is when I have a partner, who never stops gushing about how much I try to do in my life, appreciates me, and encourages me constantly. I have cheerleaders in my life and yet in a vulnerable moment my first instinct is to shoot myself for all that I have not picked up. Suddenly all the women’s magazine articles talking about perfect women, Instagram and Pinterest pages, TV shows all come together and I realise the subconscious utopian standards to be perfect at everything I have built for myself, that I am bashing myself for. Do stakeholders in each of these areas also find me as imperfect or sucky as I am telling myself to be? And even if they do, does it matter at the cost of happiness, health and peace?
Working mothers in a culture like ours are not celebrated enough for the multitasking they need to do. The moment we start talking about it, it needs to be appropriated and balanced with talks about contribution of fathers and grandmothers and homemaker parents for political correctness. But if we just pick up the topic of working mothers at once, as someone has famously said, they are expected to be mothers like they have no job, they are expected to work for office like they haven’t got children. In lockdown, my son’s school has made no mention challenges of working mothers, neither have attempted to shape the curriculum in a way that helps mums who can’t sit with their children while office goes on during school time. And this is an international school. This is a school that assessed whether I am an educated and employed mother while interviewing for admission. By default they do address any communication to mothers because for 100% of my son’s class it is the mothers who are primarily responsible for children’s studies – working at office or home. Despite knowing that children’s education is primarily a mother’s job by default generally, most schools haven’t considered the flexibility or breathing space working mothers need with children’s education during the pandemic.
There are expectations from everywhere and defined standards of perfection. The bar keeps going higher and higher every time. And we don’t make this constant hustling any easier on ourselves. Rewards make us feel guilty, neither do we coach our minds to first pat ourselves on the back for how much we have achieved. Healthy and happy kids at home, safe family, being a friend to our partner, happy team at work – all were achieved this week but all that my mind once let loose, focused on was the have nots. What we women do to ourselves is self criticise, not self forgive. There is a manager and an employee in my head and this self assessment and criticism for not doing enough is a constant battle. There is an immense amount of effort needed to become self forgiving. To become accepting of not being perfect in each area is an art I do believe. As a coach, I am quite sure that some coach somewhere has figured out a mantra to do that and it just needs to be found out.
For now what I am going to do is balance out wanting to make everything perfect and being grateful with also being self loving and appreciating. Every time, I bash myself for what isn’t done, I will consciously thank myself for what IS done. I will thank the woman, mother, wife, daughter, leader, employee, sister, friend et al for remembering to be who they are and putting in all the effort that they could. I will forgive myself for my shortcomings of the week and clink glasses with the mirror for a little TLC. Yes there are people in my life who love and value my contribution, but firstly, I need to do that myself. In thirty years from now, if I am alive, it wouldn’t matter what I did on day to day and what I couldn’t – I need to keep that in mind.
We need to normalise life in all its reality as being what it is. Move away from the Instagram version of reality and aims of perfection and embrace today, warts and all. This perennial guilt that comes as an occupational hazard of the roles multitasking women play, we need to keep it in check and balance it with self appreciation and self acceptance.
I hope when I am repeating this process next weekend, I’ll be kind to myself. And remember that I do enough. I am enough. I cannot control everything because I am not God, but I can fill the spaces left incomplete at home and at work with love, compassion and kindness. Every time I find myself beat down by anyone for not doing enough, I hope to find my cape of achievements lying around the house – my happy and healthy child and partner, my safe and warm home, my mom and rest of family, my work achievements and happy team, my friends, my pet projects, books, music, dreams of travel and fly high to tune out the noise of negativity. Because I am enough and this imperfect world of mine is perfect for me right now and will do just fine. 🙂
When we announced right at mid march that employees in our workplace are recommended to work from home looking at covid outbreak starting in India, it didn’t feel real or long term. Like with any change, there was a denial of the changing world and situation and we took time to come to terms with what is the ‘new normal’. Now more than two months later, even if lockdown opens tomorrow and government doesn’t extend it, how willing would you be to go on and about your normal life is an aware and educated person, wherever you are in the world? Like for a lot of us, a big part of denial for me also meant, I cancelled my upcoming holiday for April immediately and like with everyone else, had it in the back of my head to ‘save’ my holidays for later, just because I am working from home. The reality of how intense work is when you are stuck at home and the effort you need to put in to connect with others and make yourself understood hadn’t hit me yet! And because everyone else is working from home, practically tied to their devices with emails, the email loops are neverending – its like playing catch with your colleagues – but virtually from respective homes. Add to that the chores with no helpers around and educating children and keeping them busy as a primary carer and you have a perfect case of third degree, day after day.
As the covid infection situation still keeps getting worse, I was at my breaking point few days back and was having an inner fight of dragging myself from weekend to weekend and pushing the idea of a ‘leave’ at the back of my head. And what were weekends, but a time to catch up on weekly chores and spend time with the family – all very short and over in a breath. Not long or restful enough, for me anyway to be back fresh and ready on a Monday.
And thats when I humbled myself and seriously considered planning that pending holiday and exploring what a holiday stuck at home would look like in lockdown? Will it be a good idea or an utter waste of my accrued paid leave, that I might actually need if the worst happened and I caught the bug? But mental health is important too, and for that reason I started planning what my lockdown holiday might look like
My Ground Rules
I had set few rules in the beginning based on which I planned a relatively shorter break of four days:
There will be a tech detox in these days. No office mails or messenger will be on or checked out of temptation. There will be no browsing of social media, news, netflix et al or digital video content consumption of any kind
I started prepping my family to understand that a day off on a working day didnt mean, I owe this time to other chores. Other than helping my 5 years old with his tech setup for online class and homework completion, I didn’t assume additional work that wouldnt have been fun. Thankfully my helper was back, who take care of basic cooking and cleaning.Even chores that I picked were what my mind directed me to do – cleaning the closet, rearranging my room etc.
I will try to be quiet, listen to my mind and body and act accordingly. If my body or mind asked for sleep, I’ll give as much as needed with no guilt. I ate mindfully – cooked, baked and wrote a lot more. Listened to my favorite soothing music, walked in the garden and read a simple happy book. And I did end up sleeping an awful lot, surprisingly
By the end of the holiday, my mind and body felt strangely calmer. I was surprised at how much turmoil and tiredness I had without realising, and it felt cathartic to give myself that break. It was like being in calm waters after weathering a storm.
What I can tell you was that as someone who was having trouble getting up for days together well past the 9 AM mark, I could wake up refreshed early on, ready to take on the days ahead. I’d again stopped getting irritated and annoyed at my child, family and colleagues and could bring more warmth, comfort, understanding and empathy back in my communication. It refreshed me to deal with the days ahead with positivty for a while now. Until the next lockdown holiday I believe.
I can now share with you, that a working day during lockdown and a holiday during a workday/week are two extremely different experiences in the same surrondings, provided the holiday is planned well. One just needs to acknowledge the holiday, and give the attention and care to planning as you would to a holiday where you’d spent money on hotel bookings and travel tickets. Yes, everyone’s surroundings will be different and so would what holiday means to them. But the trick is in opening your mind to what you like to do unwind and chill and create that reality in your current circumstances. For some it may very well mean a movie marathon or warm baths, others might just like wine and cheese, for some it may mean putting headphones on to escape the crowded reality they live in, while for some it may very well mean video calls with family and friends and so on to counter their lonely existence from the past few months. But the three tips I can give you for a successful lockdown holiday is – unplug from what is disturbing and gives you anxiety (news and social media and work, most importantly), spend some calm time just with yourself, and pamper your body and mind with sleep and healthy food.
A lockdown holiday is not just possible, it can soothe you from the pressures that you yourself arent aware, you are dealing with. Good emotional and mental health leads to a good quality of life holistically as well. Do share your own experiences of having taken leaves during lockdown and whether it was a good idea. I’d love to know.
They say every crisis within it carries gifts, if only you look for them. Right when Corona was beginning to dig its fangs in India, I met Aneesha, the Co-founder of Language Curry, a platform for learning Indian languages. It was my gift in Corona times to have met Aneesha and see her drive and capability towards her business. We clicked immediately and I found her to be inspirational, determined, passionate about her platform and app, and in true entrepreneurial fashion dedicated to it 24 by 7. As I got to know her more and developed familiarity and acquaintance leading up to a new friendship, I got to know more about her story -How she was born and brought up in Gujarat and Canada, how her roots called her back to India and how her life in Canada inspired her to start language curry.
I admired few things immediately about her story – that she did challenge and voice out the bias that women entrepreneurs face because of their gender with investors and public.
And that she has the courage to dream, to turn it into reality in a still heavily patriarchal society of India.
And that, from India she is playing a huge part in promoting Indian languages around the world and helping people connect with our country.
If these initiatives and projects don’t deserve support, funding and even government recognition, then I don’t know what does. Such initiatives are such a support to our ‘make in India’ vision, travel sector and others too. The apps are available on android playstore and iOS with good reviews!
Here is a small chat with Aneesha that is sure to inspire you about her dream and pet project Langauage Curry and give you some meaningful insight on the world of entrepreneurship and helpful advice related to it!
Tell us about language curry? How, when and why did you start it?
Language Curry is an app to learn Indian languages and connect to India’s rich culture.
I moved to Canada when I was 17 and lived there for almost 10 years, my parents were very strict about not forgetting our roots, speaking in Hindi at home and not faking an accent. Also during my time in Canada I experienced the need amongst NRI’s to connect with India and the culture. And the starting point to a culture is usually Language. So I believe my personal experiences coupled with the parenting and the innate patriot in me, left me wanting to solve this problem.
Is there an appetite for Indian languages in the west? Why?
Yes for sure, although my inspiration came from NRI’s . We soon realized there are so many reasons why other segments also want to learn Indian languages. Few top ones are: being married to or dating Indians, because 1 in 6 people in the world is an Indian ! Expats who work in India or work with Indians and tourists who want to experience India in a richer way.
Sanskrit unfortunately is no longer a language of conversations. What is driving people to learn Sanskrit and/or teach it?
Launching Sanskrit was purely an instinctive feeling after seeing how Yoga has taken over the world. I always said to my co-founders that Sanskrit would be the next yoga! We have seen an immense take rate amongst Indians to reconnect with Sanskrit to better understand the scriptures. Sanskrit opens doors to so much in our culture – Ayurveda, Vedas, Upanishads, Gita even various scientific and historic scriptures. Internationally as well, Sanskrit is being considered the most scientific and grammatically correct language. We want to bust the myth that Sanskrit is only the Language of Gods, its much more than that and unless we accept it as a conversational language it wouldn’t be learnt and retained in an effective manner.
What is the future of Sanskrit and Indian languages?
India is global point of interest now. The world is looking to us not only as an economic opportunity but also as a soft power. Indians themselves are rising above the colonial complexes and taking pride in their culture. Although English would be the one language that would connect the globe, Hindi, Sanskrit and regional Indian languages would only strengthen the connect within India and for all those who want to connect with Indians.
As a woman entrepreneur what unique advantages and challenges have you faced?
Although qualities for an entrepreneur are pretty gender neutral. But as women especially mothers the abilities of multi tasking and patience really help! Women are great at taking calculated risks, managing teams, dreaming big and being realistic at the same time.
One of the big challenge or bias I faced was of building a company while raising my child. If a father works from home on his start up no one questions his commitment level but for some reason if women work from home there is a bias that she is not giving enough hours to work. When in actuality when you are committed to your dream, trust me , man or woman both will give in more than expected with respect to time and money.
Is there an appetite for Indian languages in India?
Yes for sure. Even we were taken for surprise when we saw the kind of response we got from south Indians wanting to learning Hindi, in fact more than 80% of our Hindi users are south Indians learning for better networking, relationships or even Bollywood!
Similarly Urban Migration and inter region marriages is big factor for someone to learn the local language. Many argue that English works but its so much more fun if you can speak the local language, truly appreciate the culture and gain respect from locals for the effort.
What advice do you have for women wanting to venture in entrepreneurship?
Go for it if you are passionate about an idea and there is something beyond financial gratification that drives you. My advice would be to first build a team who believes in the idea as much if not more. I truly believe for a stable start you need a rock solid team. Secondly, never shy away from asking for help from family, friends, customers, colleagues etc. Many wont help, but the few who will would really be your pillars in good and bad times.
Nehapedia 