There was a manual. No, really. Maybe not ONE printed and published manual available for sale on Amazon, and in bookshops. But a loose verbal manual of what an ‘educated, empowered, privileged, money-earning’ woman is supposed to do and be. The archetype of a good daughter, sister, wife, mother, woman, in law, friend, employee, employer, manager, citizen, mentor, founder, homemaker etc etc.
No one spoke about how life for the superwoman is a balancing game. That she would feel the guilt of not performing in one area more than the joy of superachieveing in other areas of life. That burnout is bound to happen when the candle burns at both ends. When in trying to ‘BE’ all that she must be, there will be a moment when she’d be emptionally numb, confused about what she ‘needs’.
The midlife burnout, hormone shuffles, shifting perspectives and the spectrum that goes from regret and resentment to gratitude and achievement and how the self oscillates on it like it is a damn Rollercoaster is R.E.A.L.!
This post does not have answers or solutions to the numbness that middle age brings to the overworked women in the race of perfection. This is a call out to those who’ve been through it, are experiencing it right now or are inching to it. To tell you, that you are not hallucinating, not going crazy, that your problems aren’t imagined.
The disillusionment, the disconnect, the soul searching that you are experiencing right now – you are not alone in this. There is a generation of super achiever millennial women who feel slightly exhausted with everything around them and question how far they need to run. Worry whether they will be out of breath before they reach that imaginary finish line. And as the quiet realisation happens – there isn’t a finish line! Noone to hand water or towel at the end of this marathon and so in fear of finding ourselves alone when we pause, we keep running.
Maybe it’s time to slow down girls, pause even, for a while. Practice some self care at the cost of what seems non negotiable. Nothing is in reality. If this post makes even slight sense to you, you need to prioritise yourself over literally anything on the daily for a while. Guess what? it’s time.
कहीं पढ़ रहा था कि हमें उन दरवाज़ों का शुक्रगुज़ार होना चाहिए जो बंद हो गए, वो दोस्तियां जो आगे नहीं बढ़ीं और हर उस चीज़ का जो हमसे टूट या छूट गयी… यह विध्वंस महादेव की उस अटूट कृपा के समान है जो हमें उन लोगों, जगहों और चीज़ों से दूर ले जाती है […]
It’s been a few months since (Jun 2023) the Titan submersible operated by the American expedition firm ‘Oceangate’ imploded while on an expedition to the Titanic wreck in North Atlantic Ocean off the Canadian coast killing all five of it’s passengers – a British paid explorer, an Asian British paid explorer along with his 19 year old son, a French technical expert and the CEO of Oceangate. It’s notable that each of the three tourists would have paid a hefty $250,000 for their seats for the experience so it was a big ticket business indeed.
Since the discovery of the titanic wreckage which got insanely elevated after the Cameron movie in the 90s, there has been deep interest from experts and noobs alike in going to the titanic wreckage site as a bucket list activity. The fact that it lies 3810 m below sea level is not a deterrent but seems to egg on enthusiasts more, just the way a climb to Mt Everest does at 8848 m above sea level in the death zone. Clearly a heady mix of money, social media’s impact and lack of meaningful life goals leads those who haven’t spent a hot minute training to brave the elements, want to go to depth of oceans or peaks of the world. Or on the other side you could define the marvel that human curiosity and courage is through such pursuits. Guess this one is a write up of the paradoxes!
The CEO of OceanGate Stockton Rush was notorious for flouting regulatory requirements when he could as he believed and has publically stated them to be a hindrance to innovation. He’s quoted in a 2022 interview calling ‘safety, a pure waste’ at one point. You can google away his passion for innovation and notably his belief that safety is a ‘hinderance’ to innovation.
So I come to my questions, 1) At what stage does does the desire to innovate and do something different become so intense that human life, basic safety sense and common sense leave the building 2) Do we as a society celebrate the wins without proportionately weighing the ‘how’ of those wins? Do results overweigh the values which were at work to achieve them? 3) Where does the buck stop with risks? When do we know in our life and work that a line has been crossed with risk which puts not ourselves but others’ life, livelihood, health or other fundamentals on the edge without them knowing about it? 4)Is there a proportionality between the cause for which the risk is being taken, and the size of the risk?
For instance, soldiers risk their lives knowingly to protect the life of civillians, firefighters, cops and such also do for a noble cause. But there is little merit in putting people through same level of life risk for a toy making company testing path breaking innovative AI based toys.
There are those who speak about Rush’s passion for innovation and mention that titan would have been celebrated along with his risk taking capability had things not gone fatefully wrong. But that combined with the history of his attitude towards safety show that enough education to ALL his customers and general public wasn’t given about safety risks and facts were moulded. Otherwise the 19 year old who solely took the trip to please his father, terrified as he was, didn’t have to die.
There is a big yet simple lesson for us all as leaders, employees, entrepreneurs, humans et al from this tragedy. It is not to not take risk. But weigh the cost of the risk on our stakeholders and be clear about it to them. And then when they come onboard it makes sense. Integrity and passion when put together on a scale – passion will always be outweighed by integrity. Those who put their lives, savings, loved ones, health or anything crucial on line for you as they play beside you need to be educated about what they are putting on line and be ok with it. When that happens – it’s true Leadership and Camaraderie at play. When you have to hide what people are having to bet to go along a risky journey with you that can be labelled many different vices, none of them deserve to have the word innovation, leadership or vision around them. It can be Machiavellian to get people onboard on a risky project or vision without telling them about the risk but then you don’t deserve the credit of the win as much as you totally are responsible for messing up for yourself and them.
There is also courage and honesty in sacrificing the innovation so as to not cross the line of life at risk or anything that your conscience or value system doesnt allow you to hedge away. If that wasn’t true, animal testing of cosmetics would still be normalised and not a topic of debate. Corporate integrity maybe a touchy topic but personal integrity is never one.
What’s your views on this topic? Did this tragedy evoke any thoughts or insights in your mind? Did you take any lessons and reflections from it back in your life? Do share with me, I’d love to chat on this further.
People who know me well, know I am passionate about promoting knowledge and awareness of the rich handloom heritage of India. People who know me for long know that I have not been interested in clothes or textiles beyond looking at them as necessity for the larger part of my life – handloom love is a new found love. My better half on the other hand, is a bit of an authority on sartorial elegance. He has an eye for fabrics, a sharp eye for requisite distance between buttons of a shirt and even finer nuances. So I have dragged myself along with him on his quests to find the perfect garment or accessory for him, me and our loved ones for years now.
Dressing elegantly, modestly and simply has been my style mantra. Sarees have always held a special place in my heart and wardrobe. Chikankari of lucknow thus has been a constant in the wardrobe and so have the sarees from Nalli, Fabindia, Mrignayani or even the much more easy on pocket florals from GardenVarelli mills.
On one of the customary trips few years back to a craft fair, as I was shopping for my only brother’s upcoming wedding and looking for a special saree. Or Two. 😉
Rishi has the art of making conversation with everyone and as we got talking to the Banarasi weaver who had come to the fair, it was hours for which we kept sitting at the shop listening to the nuances of kaduwa and fekua styles of weaving and the beauty and uniqueness of Janglas and Shikargahs and Tilfis and Tanchois.. it was just awe inspiring that one city of India has numerous styles of weaving and patterns and all I knew was that a shining silk saree is called a Banarasi saree. I couldn’t even differentiate between a Kanjivaram and Banrasi back then if someone had asked me to. I didn’t know that the same saree that is woven on a loom in hours, days, weeks, months and sometimes years is cheaply imitated in a mill where thousands of imitations can be belted out in a matter of minutes. Anyway, we bought few beautiful handloom sarees and came back.
I kept looking at my saree shopping from Nalli and the Banarasi weaver from the craft fair that day and replaying the conversation in my head repeatedly. I could explain to a cousin that day the difference between the kanjivaram and Banarasi saree that I got that day. Fascinated by the special garment and the story behind it, my research oriented self went on internet to search for handloom fabrics and sarees and how they are made. Little did I know that it was a rabbit hole, so deep that I will be immersed in it for years. With hundreds of weaves, thousands of craft kinds Indian textile history is rich and changes to bring a new variation every ten miles, figuratively speaking, just like the dialects of India.
The meticulous and eco friendly processes used to weave, embroider, paint, stitch the sarees are fascinating to say the least. I found out about the muslins made in India that were so thin that you could fold a six yard saree and keep it in a matchbox. The thin as air garments that were sold for their weight in gold and played a huge part in India’s rich past of prosperity. Equally horrid are the tales of deliberate destruction of the same crafts with the advent of Industrial revolution, the mills of Europe and promotion of power mill made cloth in India.
There are some blessed souls who have dedicated their lives for the revival of these handicrafts and for promoting the saree. I am merely a student of the subject right now who is trying to understand about Handlooms and Handspun fabric and trying to buy more eco friendly clothing consciously, when I need to.
I truly feel it is a shame for us to not know about our rich textile history and it should be taught in school curriculum not just in fashion but from a point of view of economics, politics, art and science as well.
India ran with 20% GDP of the entire world 3-4 centuries back, a big credit of which goes to it’s textile prowess which was sytemically killed by colonisers to make us poor, needy, supliers of raw material for it to churn finished good in new found mills durin industrial revolution of the west and sold back to us while our ancestors died of famines and poverty.
The handloom produced cloth not only has a rich heritage with hundreds of art forms of weaving, embroidery and such but also is eco friendly with virtually zero negative impact on environment while fast fashion remains to be the second biggest pollutant of earth.
Slow fashion needs to be brought back in trend and made cool again. The breathable natural fabrics need to replace hoardes of cheap rayon that stuff Indian wardrobes and do nothing for the appearance of individual or the environment. I’d certainly recommend one and all to learn more about the handloom heritage of our world and invest in handloom clothing in their own small way. You’ll not only be promoting true artisans, autonomy and small businesses, but will also be contributing to creating a greener planet while ensuring you look classy!
I have lived most of my late 20’s being slightly overweight and almost all of my 30’s being obese. In the past two years I have shed almost 40 kgs of extra weight which is more than 40% of body weight I have carried for a long time. Most of my weight loss happened in 2021 through a structured regime and with an expert weight loss coach. No gymming or heavy exercises were involved in this regimented weight loss program, neither were my calories restricted. Someday, I will surely share what my program was like but today I broadly want to tell you that in the crux of it, it was all about changing my relationship with food.
For the longest time I had been living to eat, and not eating to live. It’s a funny saying that “foodies” love to say and I used to do the same. But today I want to open up about the toxic relationship I shared with food that continued for a long time.
At a difficult time, many years ago, I lost a lot of relationships instantly in life that I’d known as a child – my whole maternal and paternal family barring less than a handful of people, left my life. Uncles, aunts, cousins, all but few abandoned me. Dad wasn’t around anyway since he had passed on many years back. The relationships that I was left to count on were barely few weeks old. Work was stressful as I was growing faster in my career than my young age could handle, the expectations from a 25 year old me at a new home as an elder daughter in law were those that are from a 45 year old. Not many had seen my struggles so they didn’t care what my past or my trauma has been like or feels like, for no fault of theirs as their frame of reference couldn’t fathom what I had been through or the cushion I needed. My physical appearance had always been peculiar due to a skin condition and my metabolism was screwed. Back then, I didn’t give myself the option to say to anyone that I am not ok, that I am struggling. As a child I was taught that asking for help means you are weak! I had nowhere to hide, no one to reach for comfort and pampering. I had no friends who would be there for me, just kind acquaintances who helped if and when I asked them to.
I have always been a survivor. I instinctively turn to what will help me stay afloat and good tasting food for one reason or other was easily accessible and affordable in those days. This had come as a blessing after years of not getting tasty food either due to medical treatments or lack of money. After hours of smiling, being at my best behaviour, with no one to talk to about my real feelings, not even a proper ‘my’ home to go back to at the end of the day, or ‘parents house’ to go back to, I turned to food. I could ‘talk’ to good food. I could eat as much as I wanted and the food wouldn’t judge me or stare back at me for over eating it. I could eat whenever I wanted, as many times as I wanted.
Because my coping strategies were next to nil, I couldn’t be an alcoholic or a drug addict, and because my own consumption of food was the only thing in my life that I could control, I embraced food as the only thing I could hold on to. It kept me sane. I’d counterbalance meetings with tough stakeholders or toxic colleagues with a loaded cold coffee with chocolate. I’d soothe myself for the lack of friends or family with mutton biryani. I’d end a rough day at home with six chapatis and rice along with three bowls of rice and sabzi. I’d counter lack of sleep at night by reaching the fridge post midnight to gorge on gulabjamuns or half a can of condensed milk.
I am not berating my past self for doing that as survival is tricky business. Food and consuming it this was has genuinely kept me sane, away from mental breakdowns I just couldn’t afford and dare I say, kept me alive, away from dark thoughts of ending my life many a times.
Food thus became something my soul needed. My emotions became associated with it and that’s how I gave access of my feelings and sanity to food. A good portion of my favourite food could take away the worst of experiences and help me understand and think how to cope with what’s ahead. It could soothe my bruised heart or mind and prepare me for the next days’ grind. I didn’t care if someone told me I am hogging onto it because they didn’t see the reason for my ‘emotional eating’ . So I’d smile, listen to their concern and ridicule it in my mind.
The few years of doing that stunted my metabolism and started putting pressure on my vital organs. Fatty liver, high cholesterol and high sugar levels became normal and by the time I wanted to lose weight, my body became resistant. It got ‘addicted’ to sugar, wanting frequent meals, large portions and sugar rich foods. I’d get ‘hangry’ and despite heavy workouts and killing myself in gyms or on jogs in hot North Indian weather the scale wouldn’t budge. The heavy workouts would make me more tired and hungry and I’d lose it and gorge back into big meals in frustration eventually giving up on diets. I was looking at weight loss as a punishment and deprivation of food and being away from food was making me sad, upset and dejected. As if, someone is taking away the only good thing in my life. The only thing I can control, the only thing that doesnt judge me.
When I met my coach and started my fitness journey last year, the first thing that changed was my relationship with food. The self coaching that I gave to myself to stop looking at food as a channel, outlet or means of solving for emotions was perhaps one of the most important things to happen in years to me. As I educated myself more and more on how excess food is poison and the damage sugar in many forms does to the body, the importance of consuming only what is needed kept becoming clearer.
Today I look at food as medicine and I have no shame in admitting that. I understand what good taste is and indulge in it once in a while, but with a clear knowledge that it is all but an indulgence. The taste of most of the food gets perceived as good because of the sugar content in it (fructose, lactose, maltose etc) and the more food is consumed for taste than need, it ends up harming the body than doing it much good.
Today I understand food must be eaten to survive, thrive and to have energy to think clearly, physically work and have a healthy body. Not eating food or fasting is as important as eating if not more and restraint has a role to play as well in keeping the body healthy.
The reason I opened up about my long toxic relationship with food is to make aware that addiction comes in many forms. Too much of anything is addiction, not just alcohol or drugs or smoking. Too much food, music, phone, whatever be that you link to your brains reward system can become an addiction.
Food is not the solution. Food is barely food. It has a place in life to help get us energy that we need for survival. If you had an addiction to food or cant live without certain food groups, or stress eat or do emotional eating, talk to a coach or a friend who can help you talk through this, solve for this.
There’s a world of health benefits on the other side of food addiction. You can enjoy your occasional meal, and yet live a healthy and fit life physically and emotionally. Just give yourself a chance.
Two years back, in the last week of 2019, the news of a new contagious, dangerous, life threatening virus that was rearing it’s head in China started doing the rounds. Some were in denial, others bemused, most indifferent. The clairvoyant in me said it in a text on a whatsapp group that I have saved till date – “I have a nasty feeling, this will turn into a pandemic.” And so it did. Took away so many golden days of our limited lives and also swept away loved ones from everyone’s lives around the world.
This one is not going to be a particularly long post. My point is very simple. If this pandemic hasnt been able to teach humans the very basic life lesson that we are more similar than different, then there is no hope for us. In 2019 the world was as polarised as it could have been. We all know how the assertion of patriotism, faith, culture and other such boundaries is creating more factions than bringing humanity closer as one would have expected. And in such a time the pandemic hit. It was named the “china virus’ to begin with. I am not going to talk about my point of view on China’s active or passive role in bestowing this virus upon the world. The reality is here we are after two full years with all the consequences and the umpteenth wave and new set of restrictions. Globally.
How did this virus treat us differently based on our definitions of superiority in terms of race, belief or location? In India, where I live, people were quite sure that with a supposedly “strong immune system” Indians will not get affected. In cold countries, people thought cold will kill the virus. In hot countries, they thought the heat will. When the pandemic hit, did it matter what country one is in? Or what race are they from? Or their gender or faith mattered? Lives were lost everywhere. There were rows of unattended corposes, put to rest without the dignity they would have received if the situation at hand wasnt there.
Turns out through this dark misery, we around the world in our self created differences are not all that different in the way illness, viruses and death treats us! Our bodies respond similary in fighting, winning and losing. Our hearts cry the same when we lose someone. Our helplessness is the same when we can’t get oxygen or hospital beds or basic amenities.
Is there a point then in drawing these boundaries of race and nations and faiths? Another common factor is how daft humanity is to obvious answers that a tragedy couldnt teach it. What could be a bigger tragedy than this. We still want our wars, our supposed superiority, our sense of competition in a world where we all could co exist better with collaboration.
For those who have chosen to learn through the pandemic that we are not all that different. You and the person next to you. Or the one on the other side of the world. Please chose love, acceptance and tolerance as we move into another year.
Chances are there will be wars. There will be hate. And the crimes. All the millions of lives lost for nothing while the pandemic stll looms large on our heads along with the daftness of hostility that becomes more intense with each passing year and the media propaganda that intensifies it as our necks are bowed down to keep our eyes glued in our mobile phones for longer. In 2120, hundred years from now, if the earth exists by then, there will be another pandemic, going by the pattern of the past. Would humanity have evolved enough by then to learn the lesson that this global tragedy couldnt teach us at large this time around? The one of chosing love over hate? The one of “oneness”?
In January of 2021, I found magic which helped me lose 36 kilos or almost 80 pounds of extra body weight in 10 months. My journey still continues as I am on the last mile. In this year I have lost almost 40% of the body weight I was carrying last year. Along with that I have lost prediabetes, high cholestrol levels, high uric acid, high levels of hypothyroidism etc too. My weight loss journey started with a Rheumatoid Arthritis scare as I carry an Autoimmune disorder from the age of 7. It didnt start with the intention of looking a certain way, but to really take any long or short term risks a bit farther away from my present.
There are always few things that are bound to happen on a life altering journey and they did with me to. The sense of achievement and the beautiful looks, compliments and encouragement I got along the way was beautiful. But equally here are five insights that I didnt expect or anticipate but experienced on my journey that I am sharing with you.
February 2021
Sadly,your weight has a bigger impact on your image than you think it does
I have always been confident in my skin and have been lucky to have a partner & family who have loved me fully and devotedly whatever my shape or size or appearance has been like. But I was amazed at how much it matters to the world how you look as my transformation happened. There were people who came and said they revered or even feared (!!) me when I was heavier but now find me less intimidating. Go figure! There’s more men in public spaces who think they can get away with inappropriate touching than before which I of course fight back with equal force. There are people who’d come and tell me they thought I was “really fat” and now I look “much better”. There are people who told me how it’s a shame I have lost my curves and the glow on my face to become a flat chested ugly woman (quite literally, no exaggeration). My learning? 1) Everyone will never like how you look so be happy in your own skin 2) Love your body the way you are. The world is out there to judge you and those who truly love, will love you anyway 3) Lose or gain weight for the right reasons. Not to look a certain way because there is no perfect look.
September 2021
Weight loss is equated to being more sincere, hard working and health conscious. WTF?!
Let me be clear. I have been trying to lose weight for years now. I had given up sugars many years back and also have been eating limited portion size. I have been running and weight training too but things didnt work out for me until I found the right guidance for my body and hormones. People have been complimenting me for “finally” paying attention to my health, not being lazy anymore, not being a glutton and it has just made me sad about how people who struggle with weight are perceived to be lazy, gluttons and many other things while they may just be struggling with underlying issues that have led to weight gain. Many people’s weight gain interestingly is related to stress, trauma, lack of time for self care, slow metabolism that fights weight loss and their situation is the exact opposite of being laid back. As a society, we need to stop judging people without knowing their full reality anyway.But specially related to generally accepted medical advice and fitness advice, there needs to be more awareness and encouragement around self care, mindfulness and being healthy than on weight and body image.
Everyone is a critic/expert of your fitness program and will have an opinion on it
India is a country of self proclaimed experts on every topic. And most of the well meaning people who I have met on my journey who have been impressed with my results were also great “experts and critics” of why my fitness program isnt a)sustainable b)good for health in long term c)authentic and proven d)safe etc! How a diet or exercise routine that they know of, is more meaningful while I continue on the path of doom. And rather than defending it, I have let people express their opinion and nodded to their request to me to not continue with my fitness regime any longer all the way. I have realised, when something is too tough or overwhelming for most people, they tend to discount it. Those who wanted my results have signed up for it and benefitted as well. Between the few people who picked and seriously pursued the program from me, they’ve collectively lost 20+ kgs in the past few months as well. Lesson learnt – dont discuss everything about your fitness program with everyone. Generously help and guide those who genuinely need guidance – don’t hold back. Dont defend yourself and your path to those who critique it. They are talking to you with time on their hand with nothing to lose while you lose your sanity in a meaningless argument.
You will disappoint people you love on the journey more than once. And that’s okay!
When you have a different path in terms of what you eat, when you eat and how you eat; it is going to impact your relationships. With family, friends and colleagues. You will be cajoled, blackmailed, threatened and shamed into eating what you shouldn’t because eating is a social activity in humans. My mom and mother in law were sad that I wouldnt ask them for making my favorite dishes anymore or have just one roti or poori at lunch. My partner would feel disappointed that our dates didnt happen at our usual hangouts/food joints and it left me heartbroken too until we discovered new ways to date and spend time. My colleagues and friends would make jokes on what and how little I eat. My son would be exasperated and ask me ‘mama, when will you stop eating salads! why do keep walking all the time!” My family would hate it that when everyone sat together to chat, I put on my shoes to go for a walk. The three magic words that worked for me were patience, stoicism, compassion. I had to be firm in my decision and help those I love manage their emotions around the change I was making in my life. As results started coming through and I remained focused some leaned in. Others didnt but they also learnt I have changed. And that is alright. If a relationship in your life breaks down (unlikely though) because you want to care for yourself, then it wasnt meant to be – it was just looking for a reason to end anyway.
When on a fitness journey, your body starts to look more like a socially accepted image of what fit is, its easy to lose focus. The compliments on how you look beautiful, hot, sexy etc when you havent received them for a while can sway you if you get flattered easily. But it’s important to remember it’s just people’s opinion. Based on what media tells them beautiful is, fit is. Fitness is holistic – its how your body feels whatver its weight, its your mental and emotional health, its your spiritual and social health, its your financial health. And how “Fit” you are is not as important as how “Happy and Grateful” you are. Do not lose focus on your gifts – whether you like to sing, paint, write, travel, blog, read or whatver else. As you excitedly look for new clothes and want to beautify your body, just remember it’s merely a body. It will die. Either it will rot in the ground or burn in ashes in the end. I know this is morbid but we all are mortals. There is more to life than merely obsessing on looks. Your transformation is as temporary as anything else around you. Don’t let it make your spirit and personality shallower or less richer. Retain kindness and keep learning more of what you like.
Change is never easy. And it throws curved balls one’s way that make the journey insightful. I hope you found my account interesting and amusing. I would love to know your opinion or thoughts on this. I will write more about this interesting year and my journey of fitness when inspiration strikes. After all, this is only the beginning
It’s Saturday night, half past eleven. I am wrapping up the day finally in some moments of solitude as I shut the locks, lights, fill up water, clean the pantry et al. My mind and I are in a subconscious performance discussion. As I scan and clean my son’s room I am thinking of how we haven’t spent quality time whole week, what with long workdays, and even on Saturday I was out completing chores. He deserves more of my time and attention with studies and play than what I have given him this week. Specially, since he is been doing online school for 15 months now.. I shut his room, make a mental note for next week in the parent’s tab of my brain, I reach my office to scan some weekend emails and shut the laptop. I am now thinking about how I said no to a couple of meeting requests from colleagues in UK/US who wanted to speak at 7/9 PM my time during a couple of weekdays as I was in the kitchen and how I could have done more work, paid more attention, finished two more meetings this week. I could have been a more productive employee if I gave more time to work. I listen to my own chastising and slightly irritated now, shut the office and see my husband repairing something in one room and my mom watching her favorite TV show in another. I am filled with guilt thinking I need to do more to help my husband around the house and spent more time with ma – she is lonely away from her town, almost homebound at my house for covid safety reasons. She is getting older and she needs my company to counter loneliness. I also think by the way of two relatives, five friends and few acquaintances who I have been wanting to call for days now but haven’t been able to. The kitchen looks like it needs additional attention, it makes me feel like a lousy woman. Overwhelmed now by my own bashing, anxious and troubled, I rush up to sleep, remove my fitness tracker to put it on charge and chide myself with another glare about the walk and exercise I have missed for three days this week because of how hot it has been and also how my grey hair need a recolour that’s been overdue.
Suddenly an epiphany (sort of) strikes, my mind is numb and I sit down on my bed a little shocked. For the past 30 minutes after a long day of chores, I have given a mental assessment to myself about how I have not done enough as a mom, daughter, wife, employee, homemaker and a person. This is my self talk. Am I telling myself I didn’t do enough because I secretly feel I am not enough? And this is when I have a partner, who never stops gushing about how much I try to do in my life, appreciates me, and encourages me constantly. I have cheerleaders in my life and yet in a vulnerable moment my first instinct is to shoot myself for all that I have not picked up. Suddenly all the women’s magazine articles talking about perfect women, Instagram and Pinterest pages, TV shows all come together and I realise the subconscious utopian standards to be perfect at everything I have built for myself, that I am bashing myself for. Do stakeholders in each of these areas also find me as imperfect or sucky as I am telling myself to be? And even if they do, does it matter at the cost of happiness, health and peace?
Working mothers in a culture like ours are not celebrated enough for the multitasking they need to do. The moment we start talking about it, it needs to be appropriated and balanced with talks about contribution of fathers and grandmothers and homemaker parents for political correctness. But if we just pick up the topic of working mothers at once, as someone has famously said, they are expected to be mothers like they have no job, they are expected to work for office like they haven’t got children. In lockdown, my son’s school has made no mention challenges of working mothers, neither have attempted to shape the curriculum in a way that helps mums who can’t sit with their children while office goes on during school time. And this is an international school. This is a school that assessed whether I am an educated and employed mother while interviewing for admission. By default they do address any communication to mothers because for 100% of my son’s class it is the mothers who are primarily responsible for children’s studies – working at office or home. Despite knowing that children’s education is primarily a mother’s job by default generally, most schools haven’t considered the flexibility or breathing space working mothers need with children’s education during the pandemic.
There are expectations from everywhere and defined standards of perfection. The bar keeps going higher and higher every time. And we don’t make this constant hustling any easier on ourselves. Rewards make us feel guilty, neither do we coach our minds to first pat ourselves on the back for how much we have achieved. Healthy and happy kids at home, safe family, being a friend to our partner, happy team at work – all were achieved this week but all that my mind once let loose, focused on was the have nots. What we women do to ourselves is self criticise, not self forgive. There is a manager and an employee in my head and this self assessment and criticism for not doing enough is a constant battle. There is an immense amount of effort needed to become self forgiving. To become accepting of not being perfect in each area is an art I do believe. As a coach, I am quite sure that some coach somewhere has figured out a mantra to do that and it just needs to be found out.
For now what I am going to do is balance out wanting to make everything perfect and being grateful with also being self loving and appreciating. Every time, I bash myself for what isn’t done, I will consciously thank myself for what IS done. I will thank the woman, mother, wife, daughter, leader, employee, sister, friend et al for remembering to be who they are and putting in all the effort that they could. I will forgive myself for my shortcomings of the week and clink glasses with the mirror for a little TLC. Yes there are people in my life who love and value my contribution, but firstly, I need to do that myself. In thirty years from now, if I am alive, it wouldn’t matter what I did on day to day and what I couldn’t – I need to keep that in mind.
We need to normalise life in all its reality as being what it is. Move away from the Instagram version of reality and aims of perfection and embrace today, warts and all. This perennial guilt that comes as an occupational hazard of the roles multitasking women play, we need to keep it in check and balance it with self appreciation and self acceptance.
I hope when I am repeating this process next weekend, I’ll be kind to myself. And remember that I do enough. I am enough. I cannot control everything because I am not God, but I can fill the spaces left incomplete at home and at work with love, compassion and kindness. Every time I find myself beat down by anyone for not doing enough, I hope to find my cape of achievements lying around the house – my happy and healthy child and partner, my safe and warm home, my mom and rest of family, my work achievements and happy team, my friends, my pet projects, books, music, dreams of travel and fly high to tune out the noise of negativity. Because I am enough and this imperfect world of mine is perfect for me right now and will do just fine. 🙂
Its become customary for us middle aged people to go melancholy on special days or anniversaries and decide to share our musings with the world. I am quite the cynic about days dedicated to women in a world when our curses are based on womens genitalia that we spew like caramel in a range of emotions and use surnames of father for children by default while women carry the foetus and go through the tribulations and joys of growing the child inside them. So as a feminist who truly believes women have it tougher, I want to celebrate women’s day, a day when we applaud women for standing up for themselves and others, for making the world a better place.
There is a very common and overused phrase which says women are women’s worst enemies. We are blamed for telling on each other, being jealous, not being trusting of our kind, being judgemental, putting each other down and loathing each other. On a lighter note there is also a saying that if women ran the world, there wont be many wars, just few jealous countries not talking to each other!
How can we change this perception? What can we learn from men that will teach us to be kinder to our own gender? Have and show more camaraderie?
Before we answer this question we need to understand why these perceptions are there in the first place? Why cant women catch a break from other women! I am going to compare this to the colonial conditioning of developing countries and I am going to talk about urban India as an example. Three or four generations have been born in India post independence and there still is a strongly prevailing shame and loathing of our cultural heritage. In urban India, my own friends and colleagues for the longest time have taken pride in not knowing hindi numerals. Hindu friends are ashamed of their religion and hyper critical of even the good parts of their faith. Friends from other religions in India also like fellows of their faith from other countries better than their countrymen. This certainly is not to say we all need to become blind followers of what is being presented but have a rationle and objective view of what is good, be proud of the good things from our heritage and not feel embarased of our identity. But taking example of countries who’ve been on this journey we know it will take a littke while more for this awakening to take place.
Similary, I’d argue women have been hearing inferior remarks on their gender, explicit or not for thousands of years. What they witness as children on roles their female family members play, their place in the household and how they express their own frustrations in homes generally led by a patriarch have lasting impressions and shape their own identities. Many of us have seen aunts and sisters in law coming to our homes as new brides who have a fairytale notion of what a daughter in law is, who are ready to be doormats to be that person who keeps the family together and happy. With time many turn into these vicious and angry monsters that they are capable of potent toxicity that can break families apart and sow hatred. What causes that change? What goes wrong? Their treatment? Inclusion or exclusion from family decisions? Expectation to serve continously with great criticism and not enough reward? Not having a voice, seat at the table and general respect? Theses have been written on the subject but you get the general idea. The same DILs become MILs, the same nieces become aunts and keep the cycle of abuse on. The generational curses just dont break. Funnily enough we see these behaviours getting repeated at workplaces where many women dont want to work with female bosses.
Most of us who are reading this piece, I, who is writing it, how can we be sure we won’t turn into someone who will enforce gender stereotypes when we have a choice to not do so? What can we do today to ensure there is a high possibility we dont do so? Whoever you are, I can give few tips to ensure you play a positive role in lifting women up, uplifting the society thus:-
Be a Feminist:- unapologetically so. There is much bad press about feminism that women are embarassed or scared to call themselves feminist with the fear of backlash. Feminism isnt burning bras or putting men down anymore. Its about supporting choices women make, not being judgemental and celebrating women’s successes – be it baking a cake or buying a house, being a mother or being a gypsy, being a homemaker or being a soldier at the front. Or both. Or nothing. Feminism isnt anti men and noone should be shamed for being a feminist
Mentor a woman:– whatever your profession, education, society, culture, choices be – there are always girls and women around you who you can help teach something new. Be it a technical or domestic skill or a mindset shift or something new. Find a mentee every year and help them with a skill that will make them better in life. There is no better way to grow and feel fulfilled than teach, guide or mentor someone. Leadership isnt always done from the corner office of an MNC or a seat of parliament, we all can lead this way from we are
Do not Retire:- This advice is generic and may not suit those with conditions forcing them to retire but if you have a choice, keep doing something. Keep being useful and meaningful to yourself and society. People who have a purpose in life stay happy and healthy for much longer till they are alive. Life doesnt end at 65, it begins then. Women who keep themselves constructively engaged find lesser reasons to give into their subconscious conditioing of finding it harder to trust fellow women and be unhappy as a result.
Love yourself and keep learning:- Give yourself time, make yourself a priority, be your best friend and admirer, keep learning something new, travel and open your mind. When you strive to become the best version of yourself, the process gives you a lot of liberation of mind to love others more than judge them. Unhappiness drives us to create misery. Our inner ha[ppiness doesnt always depend on a prince charming as the social conditioning would have us think. Independent women in fact make better partners than co dependent ones.
Keep good company:- The biggest mistake we make is deprioritsing our network to priorities that take overlike home, work, partner, children, family. Keep a good circle and make time for it. We become the average of five people that we spend time with. Find men and women to be friends who are ambitious, kind, well travelled and curious to learn. Talk to people about ideas than other people. Opinions are the lowest form of judgement. Avoid people and friends who’s priorities in life are not the same as yours, who dont want to learn or become better. Speaking ill of others doesnt add anything to your life. People who find it cathartic are fooling themselves. Its so much more invigorating to create, ideate and build than rant. Women are creators through their being. Channelise that energy to create, invent and discover all you can.
Celebrate and Praise often and generously:- Give a shout out to fellow women more frequently and be generous with your praise. Women play multiple roles in life and do not get enough praise that they deserve. We need to be each others cheerleaders before we can expect the world to do the same for us. If you praise another woman, you dont become smaller – if anything that raises you more.
Community – build and participate:- We all know there is unity in strength. Women need to unite than be divided. We need communities, support groups where women can feel involved, safe and validated. Reach out and build one where there is a need. Participate where you find your calling. Give back to other women in need through your guidance when you rise. Support charities that help women through vounteering and other ways. Let’s build each other up.
Women around the world celebrate this wonderful day today. I dont believe women are better than men or vice versa. Women just need equal opportunities and treatment, fair game and no stereotyping. We can expect, teach and enable the next generation to be better but its also great to watch ourselves. Are we prepping ourselves for a more equal world tomorrow? A question worth asking ourselves. What will you do differently untill the next women’s day?
Nehapedia 