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Empowered Women, Empower Women

Its become customary for us middle aged people to go melancholy on special days or anniversaries and decide to share our musings with the world. I am quite the cynic about days dedicated to women in a world when our curses are based on womens genitalia that we spew like caramel in a range of emotions and use surnames of father for children by default while women carry the foetus and go through the tribulations and joys of growing the child inside them. So as a feminist who truly believes women have it tougher, I want to celebrate women’s day, a day when we applaud women for standing up for themselves and others, for making the world a better place.

There is a very common and overused phrase which says women are women’s worst enemies. We are blamed for telling on each other, being jealous, not being trusting of our kind, being judgemental, putting each other down and loathing each other. On a lighter note there is also a saying that if women ran the world, there wont be many wars, just few jealous countries not talking to each other!

How can we change this perception? What can we learn from men that will teach us to be kinder to our own gender? Have and show more camaraderie?

Before we answer this question we need to understand why these perceptions are there in the first place? Why cant women catch a break from other women! I am going to compare this to the colonial conditioning of developing countries and I am going to talk about urban India as an example. Three or four generations have been born in India post independence and there still is a strongly prevailing shame and loathing of our cultural heritage. In urban India, my own friends and colleagues for the longest time have taken pride in not knowing hindi numerals. Hindu friends are ashamed of their religion and hyper critical of even the good parts of their faith. Friends from other religions in India also like fellows of their faith from other countries better than their countrymen. This certainly is not to say we all need to become blind followers of what is being presented but have a rationle and objective view of what is good, be proud of the good things from our heritage and not feel embarased of our identity. But taking example of countries who’ve been on this journey we know it will take a littke while more for this awakening to take place.

Similary, I’d argue women have been hearing inferior remarks on their gender, explicit or not for thousands of years. What they witness as children on roles their female family members play, their place in the household and how they express their own frustrations in homes generally led by a patriarch have lasting impressions and shape their own identities. Many of us have seen aunts and sisters in law coming to our homes as new brides who have a fairytale notion of what a daughter in law is, who are ready to be doormats to be that person who keeps the family together and happy. With time many turn into these vicious and angry monsters that they are capable of potent toxicity that can break families apart and sow hatred. What causes that change? What goes wrong? Their treatment? Inclusion or exclusion from family decisions? Expectation to serve continously with great criticism and not enough reward? Not having a voice, seat at the table and general respect? Theses have been written on the subject but you get the general idea. The same DILs become MILs, the same nieces become aunts and keep the cycle of abuse on. The generational curses just dont break. Funnily enough we see these behaviours getting repeated at workplaces where many women dont want to work with female bosses.

Most of us who are reading this piece, I, who is writing it, how can we be sure we won’t turn into someone who will enforce gender stereotypes when we have a choice to not do so? What can we do today to ensure there is a high possibility we dont do so? Whoever you are, I can give few tips to ensure you play a positive role in lifting women up, uplifting the society thus:-

Be a Feminist:- unapologetically so. There is much bad press about feminism that women are embarassed or scared to call themselves feminist with the fear of backlash. Feminism isnt burning bras or putting men down anymore. Its about supporting choices women make, not being judgemental and celebrating women’s successes – be it baking a cake or buying a house, being a mother or being a gypsy, being a homemaker or being a soldier at the front. Or both. Or nothing. Feminism isnt anti men and noone should be shamed for being a feminist
Mentor a woman:– whatever your profession, education, society, culture, choices be – there are always girls and women around you who you can help teach something new. Be it a technical or domestic skill or a mindset shift or something new. Find a mentee every year and help them with a skill that will make them better in life. There is no better way to grow and feel fulfilled than teach, guide or mentor someone. Leadership isnt always done from the corner office of an MNC or a seat of parliament, we all can lead this way from we are
Do not Retire:- This advice is generic and may not suit those with conditions forcing them to retire but if you have a choice, keep doing something. Keep being useful and meaningful to yourself and society. People who have a purpose in life stay happy and healthy for much longer till they are alive. Life doesnt end at 65, it begins then. Women who keep themselves constructively engaged find lesser reasons to give into their subconscious conditioing of finding it harder to trust fellow women and be unhappy as a result.
Love yourself and keep learning:- Give yourself time, make yourself a priority, be your best friend and admirer, keep learning something new, travel and open your mind. When you strive to become the best version of yourself, the process gives you a lot of liberation of mind to love others more than judge them. Unhappiness drives us to create misery. Our inner ha[ppiness doesnt always depend on a prince charming as the social conditioning would have us think. Independent women in fact make better partners than co dependent ones.
Keep good company:- The biggest mistake we make is deprioritsing our network to priorities that take overlike home, work, partner, children, family. Keep a good circle and make time for it. We become the average of five people that we spend time with. Find men and women to be friends who are ambitious, kind, well travelled and curious to learn. Talk to people about ideas than other people. Opinions are the lowest form of judgement. Avoid people and friends who’s priorities in life are not the same as yours, who dont want to learn or become better. Speaking ill of others doesnt add anything to your life. People who find it cathartic are fooling themselves. Its so much more invigorating to create, ideate and build than rant. Women are creators through their being. Channelise that energy to create, invent and discover all you can.
Celebrate and Praise often and generously:- Give a shout out to fellow women more frequently and be generous with your praise. Women play multiple roles in life and do not get enough praise that they deserve. We need to be each others cheerleaders before we can expect the world to do the same for us. If you praise another woman, you dont become smaller – if anything that raises you more.
Community – build and participate:- We all know there is unity in strength. Women need to unite than be divided. We need communities, support groups where women can feel involved, safe and validated. Reach out and build one where there is a need. Participate where you find your calling. Give back to other women in need through your guidance when you rise. Support charities that help women through vounteering and other ways. Let’s build each other up.

Women around the world celebrate this wonderful day today. I dont believe women are better than men or vice versa. Women just need equal opportunities and treatment, fair game and no stereotyping. We can expect, teach and enable the next generation to be better but its also great to watch ourselves. Are we prepping ourselves for a more equal world tomorrow? A question worth asking ourselves. What will you do differently untill the next women’s day?

Using planned leaves for a Lockdown Holiday – Good idea or a mistake?

When we announced right at mid march that employees in our workplace are recommended to work from home looking at covid outbreak starting in India, it didn’t feel real or long term. Like with any change, there was a denial of the changing world and situation and we took time to come to terms with what is the ‘new normal’. Now more than two months later, even if lockdown opens tomorrow and government doesn’t extend it, how willing would you be to go on and about your normal life is an aware and educated person, wherever you are in the world? Like for a lot of us, a big part of denial for me also meant, I cancelled my upcoming holiday for April immediately and like with everyone else, had it in the back of my head to ‘save’ my holidays for later, just because I am working from home. The reality of how intense work is when you are stuck at home and the effort you need to put in to connect with others and make yourself understood hadn’t hit me yet! And because everyone else is working from home, practically tied to their devices with emails, the email loops are neverending – its like playing catch with your colleagues – but virtually from respective homes. Add to that the chores with no helpers around and educating children and keeping them busy as a primary carer and you have a perfect case of third degree, day after day.

As the covid infection situation still keeps getting worse, I was at my breaking point few days back and was having an inner fight of dragging myself from weekend to weekend and pushing the idea of a ‘leave’ at the back of my head. And what were weekends, but a time to catch up on weekly chores and spend time with the family – all very short and over in a breath. Not long or restful enough, for me anyway to be back fresh and ready on a Monday.

And thats when I humbled myself and seriously considered planning that pending holiday and exploring what a holiday stuck at home would look like in lockdown? Will it be a good idea or an utter waste of my accrued paid leave, that I might actually need if the worst happened and I caught the bug? But mental health is important too, and for that reason I started planning what my lockdown holiday might look like

My Ground Rules

I had set few rules in the beginning based on which I planned a relatively shorter break of four days:

There will be a tech detox in these days. No office mails or messenger will be on or checked out of temptation. There will be no browsing of social media, news, netflix et al or digital video content consumption of any kind
I started prepping my family to understand that a day off on a working day didnt mean, I owe this time to other chores. Other than helping my 5 years old with his tech setup for online class and homework completion, I didn’t assume additional work that wouldnt have been fun. Thankfully my helper was back, who take care of basic cooking and cleaning. Even chores that I picked were what my mind directed me to do – cleaning the closet, rearranging my room etc.
I will try to be quiet, listen to my mind and body and act accordingly. If my body or mind asked for sleep, I’ll give as much as needed with no guilt. I ate mindfully – cooked, baked and wrote a lot more. Listened to my favorite soothing music, walked in the garden and read a simple happy book. And I did end up sleeping an awful lot, surprisingly
By the end of the holiday, my mind and body felt strangely calmer. I was surprised at how much turmoil and tiredness I had without realising, and it felt cathartic to give myself that break. It was like being in calm waters after weathering a storm.

What I can tell you was that as someone who was having trouble getting up for days together well past the 9 AM mark, I could wake up refreshed early on, ready to take on the days ahead. I’d again stopped getting irritated and annoyed at my child, family and colleagues and could bring more warmth, comfort, understanding and empathy back in my communication. It refreshed me to deal with the days ahead with positivty for a while now. Until the next lockdown holiday I believe.

I can now share with you, that a working day during lockdown and a holiday during a workday/week are two extremely different experiences in the same surrondings, provided the holiday is planned well. One just needs to acknowledge the holiday, and give the attention and care to planning as you would to a holiday where you’d spent money on hotel bookings and travel tickets. Yes, everyone’s surroundings will be different and so would what holiday means to them. But the trick is in opening your mind to what you like to do unwind and chill and create that reality in your current circumstances. For some it may very well mean a movie marathon or warm baths, others might just like wine and cheese, for some it may mean putting headphones on to escape the crowded reality they live in, while for some it may very well mean video calls with family and friends and so on to counter their lonely existence from the past few months. But the three tips I can give you for a successful lockdown holiday is – unplug from what is disturbing and gives you anxiety (news and social media and work, most importantly), spend some calm time just with yourself, and pamper your body and mind with sleep and healthy food.

A lockdown holiday is not just possible, it can soothe you from the pressures that you yourself arent aware, you are dealing with. Good emotional and mental health leads to a good quality of life holistically as well. Do share your own experiences of having taken leaves during lockdown and whether it was a good idea. I’d love to know.

MY QUARANTINED FAMILY: Not so different from yours – Guest Blog by Dr Srishti Shrivastava

Dr Srishti Shrivastava is a dentist who has dreamt of being a doctor before she learnt to brush her own teeth! She’s one of the rare few people who’ve had a childhood romance with their profession; who are rooted and yet free – and that’s because she has an innate friendship with books. Srishti is a witty magician with words as you will see below. You can drop a comment or mail me if you’d like to read more from her or give her any feedback – I’ll be sure to pass it on. Read on…

MY QUARANTINED FAMILY: Not so different from yours

‘Quarantine’ and ‘Lockdown’ are just fancy words. Believe me when I tell you we have all been through this when we were rebellious teenagers in a traditional Indian family. Maybe you don’t remember because it was a long time ago. Let me refresh your teen memory. My over-rationalising brain came up with it and I hope you observe the similarities between your family and the current situations as well as I intend them to.

The Honourable Prime Minister, my father, the head of the family:

He holds the primary power, moral authority and social privileges. He expects a great deal from us kids so that we’ll rise to the occasion. When I know that he thinks a lot of me, I respond well and reciprocate. He does not threaten me when I am not cooperating; instead he takes away my dear to heart privileges. He decides the time when I am required to get back home (the recent 7 PM curfew).

The Medical fraternity, My Mom:

We all know it is our mother who we need the most when we feel sick. She is the one who takes care of our family. She constantly makes sure that we are healthy and have a good immunity. One of her biggest challenges is the fact that there is hardly any lunch break and vacation time. Her main concern is the health and welfare of the family for which she keeps coming up with her own strategies.

The Police Force, my strict brother:

The police force is my brother, standing in the sun to protect me, sometimes scolding me if I don’t follow father’s rules but let’s me go if I tell him I have mother’s permission (health issues). He irritates me because of his overprotective nature but I know it’s for my own good.

The sanitation department is my cleanliness freak sister:

Most of what she does could be described as mundane and repetitive, they are rarely measurable but they matter a lot. It takes 4 hours for her to clean and 4 minutes for me to trash it all. But without her help, Mom’s task will never end and our place would be a great niche for pathogens.

These are some of the memories I have of my family when I was in my adolescence and I will forever be grateful to them for protecting me at the most vulnerable phase of my life. If it hadn’t been for all those times that they didn’t give into my stubborn wishes, I wouldn’t have been the person I am today. This makes me wonder about all the restrictions put upon us, no matter how frustrating they may seem today, will lead to a better and a safe future. Because this indeed is the most vulnerable phase of our country and the whole world..

‘Family is a circle of strength and love, every crisis faced together makes this circle stronger’

How I plan my workday during Corona

I haven’t had a work from home this long in my life, neither have most of us. Even those who do work from home for a living may not have witnessed the other factors attached to it that are there these days – complete lack of social life, no place to go out to after work, homeschooling children and lack of many services available on normal days.

It’s been more than four weeks that I have stepped out of home or met anyone but my family and few next door neighbours. People have been pushed to two extremes while working. There are those isolating with other people – spouses, roommates, families etc and are looking forward to get some distance from them once the lockdown ends. Those isolating all alone craving for some in person human interaction – I am not in this category, but believe this is a trickier one to handle. It can be difficult to differentiate between work and home and life can become really monotonous – I am going to share some tips and tricks which have ensured, this lockdown has not overwhelmed me too badly. There are good and bad days, but these tips from people who are making it work, me included are sure to make prolonged WFH during isolation more bearable, daresay, even enjoyable for you

Dress up for work. Make the effort to take an early bath, put on nice clothes, do your hair and put on some makeup(if you do put on makeup), fragrance and accessorise – it will make you feel a whole lot better and make changing into pajamas at the end of work day all that much better. My go to is a bright lipstick and bandanas
Have a start and finish time for work, and force yourself to cut off from office calls and emails beyond a point. It’s so much more difficult to do it while being stuck at home, but resist the temptation to open your laptop when you have nothing else to do. If you must do something in non office time, pick up something to read or learn
Play a sport. If you are alone – dance, do yoga or anything that works for you – that makes you move. The goal isn’t to lose weight. The goal is to keep your limbs moving and healthy
Ok, this will sound counterintuitive – but have a routine. Mothers are told to keep babies and young children on routine to calm their restlessness and to channelise their energy. For some reason, this nugget from child psychology also works on us humans in dark times. A routine and its predictability gives a sense of familiarity in an unpredictable world and calms stress and anxiety. A routine doesn’t have to mean monotony – it has to mean well spaced out and consistent daily activities
Have a workspace. Even if it means a tiny space you create on your bed while working. Put a pen/notebook, some water and a nice picture or book or visual next to you to self – motivate. Maintain your ‘workspace’ during ‘worktime’ by keeping it mess free and food free as much as possible
Block some time out for strategic pieces of your goals, so you aren’t just reacting to work but responding to it
Neither overwhelm yourself with meetings, nor avoid them altogether. Make effort to be seen and then decide when you want to put the video off
A lot of my colleagues are avoiding taking leaves – thinking they will be wasting them as a leave simply means one is still stuck at home. I have taken physical rest and mental health days to make up for troubled sleeping and just to get some ‘do nothing’ time and it has worked wonders. The importance of taking a break on a working day during these times is underrated
When you talk to colleagues in similar situations, as you speak about how different it is from usual working – speak about what you are grateful for in your life and what you find positive. Positive affirmations are good for our mind as well as they beget positivity. Avoid negative talk and if someone is only indulging in that, avoid talking to them if they refuse to change. If you cant avoid them, practice breathing and meditation after speaking to them. 😉
Make time for self pampering AND for a creative pursuit that you either want to learn or practice -that can be cathartic for you!
Lastly, nice stationary, visual boards and ambient music put me in a mood to work like a boss!

These are some tips and tricks that I am practising – some on my own, other by watching other positive people around me. There could be many more and I would love to hear what you are doing to keep yourself positively engaged.

Lastly, some of the startup’s founded during 2008-2009 recession as I have been told are Slack, WhatsApp, Airbnb, Uber, Pinterest, Square and Venmo. Some of the greatest scientific discoveries were made during pandemics of last centuries. Can you create your own masterpiece (a music, a food, a dance, a song recitation, a poetry, a painting) or anything that would be your medal that will leave you with good memories of these times for the rest of your life?

Do you want to stay financially strong after corona? Do these five things starting today.

There is grim news related to financial situation in the world every time I open google news, new channels on TV or on social media. We know that it will become even worse as billions remain in lockdown. There is a legitimate fear of survival that people are generally going through.

Chances are, your investments have seen a devaluation, if you are a business owner, your work is stalled/slow and you have started to dip in your savings. If you have a job, you are worried about lack of growth, more work stress, paycuts and job loss. If you have loans and liabilities, vulnerable family members without medical insurance – all these things are causing stress and anxiety. I am also afraid that we will see increasing emotional distress and possibly suicides related to money, hunger related deaths, malnourishment et al in time to come.

In times like these, India is a vulnerable country with a huge population and lot of poverty. While this year we will see a retraction in growth in decades, projections for next year are better as compared to other economies. However this growth will not happen automatically – it warrants all of us to collectively act towards it. We are all worried about what will personally happen to us. But the solution to financial strength is a whole community taking steps that will save the individuals. Very much the way lockdown worked. All are shut to ensure individuals are safe and well.

A lot of countries are are already encouraging their citizens to take prudent steps to ensure their country prospers but we Indians do not have a huge sense of supporting local or swadeshi. Our inner need to get things cheap is so high that collectively we buy Chinese goods, hail imported stuff and thus hurt our own GDP and thus earning capacity in return. I am no financial or economics expert but I do remember the story of a village that was in draught. On a shaman’s advice the king said to his subjects that if all citizens put a pot of milk in the local pond as offering to God, God will be pleased and it will rain. The citizens were selfish and petty and all of them thought, since everyone else is going to put milk in the pond, why don’t I just put a pot of water to save money. No one will notice and it wouldn’t matter. In the morning, the pond was full of water and barely any milk since everyone cheated. There were no rains either. This is a great analogy on us Indians. How we want to behave exceptionally individually with an expectation that others will make up for us. And thus we end up losing the game. Perhaps, this one time we need to do few things individually and not cheat, so that this can lead to a stronger economy and thus a better chance of survival and growth. Here are few things I suggest we all do once lockdown ends for at least a year to strengthen the economy, create jobs and bring money to the country

Retain habits of prudence – This lockdown is making sure that we do not eat out often, shop for junk a bit less and do not spend unnecessarily. Perhaps retaining one good financial habit of not wasting money will go a long way in ensuring that the hard earned money is there when we need it
Buy Local – Farming and weaving is the work done most in the country. For a year, lets not go back to the fast fashion of foreign chains and try and support handlooms, local artists and artisans, local food chains and local food in our pantries. Let’s check for the made in India label and buy India made products for home and otherwise. There was great logic in ‘khadi’ and ‘swadeshi’ movement from the independence era – it strengthens economy and takes poverty away for ALL. If we don’t practice this even now, there isn’t much hope for us as people.
Travel Local – On holidays, lets go to local destinations -support hotels, tourist based businesses etc for India. Luckily we area big country with a spectrum of travel options. If people from smaller countries of Europe can decide to travel local to support local economy, why cant we Indians?
Invest Local – Direct your investment towards manufacturing sector in India, agriculture, core businesses and up and coming projects. The more we inject in our economy collectively, the better results it will give us individually
Learn something new – A lot of institutes right now are offering free programs. Enrol for something that can be a skill for you. May be learn a core life skill like farming or carpentry or weaving. Transform yourself so your skills are valuable in the new world and can help your get business or job opportunities. Upskilling is always useful

When you read these asks, do not think about whether someone else will do it or not. Dont worry that ‘What if I am the only one and it still doesnt do anything for the Indian economy?’ If a handful of us do this, it will create an impact, if more people join even better. And none of these things will have you losing out on any part of your life. Let’s start thinking smart if we want a better future for our children and to see India turn around to be world’s global superpower like Japan became post WWII.

What are your tips and tricks for strengthening individual financial safety post corona? Ensuring survival?